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Literature Text
Stars are bright, but stars still fade
She might even say they're eclipsed
By the Sun and the Moon
He claims she's always been bright
Only he doesn't know that now, like always
They're far too hopeful for their own good
Because eclipses require crossing
And stars cross all the time
Eyes like oceans meet eyes within space
Where chills fill the absence left by nothing
He shivers anyways, shuddering in shadows
S l o w l y
Ever so slowly
She drags him out
Warming his soul down to his toes
She says, The space between us scares me;
I hate the dark
So he draws nearer,
And she would wane back, but
That's not her style
She stays
Until they collide and shatter
A thousand shooting stars
She might even say they're eclipsed
By the Sun and the Moon
He claims she's always been bright
Only he doesn't know that now, like always
They're far too hopeful for their own good
Because eclipses require crossing
And stars cross all the time
Eyes like oceans meet eyes within space
Where chills fill the absence left by nothing
He shivers anyways, shuddering in shadows
S l o w l y
Ever so slowly
She drags him out
Warming his soul down to his toes
She says, The space between us scares me;
I hate the dark
So he draws nearer,
And she would wane back, but
That's not her style
She stays
Until they collide and shatter
A thousand shooting stars
But even shooting stars
Fizzle and die
And she'd like to say that their dreams
Flutter by like butterflies
But the truth of the matter is
All they are is scatterings of asteroids,
Hurling far beyond their reach
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Full title: Star-crossed was never synonymous with forever
Still working on the new style, please critique. Be cruel.
Is the meaning of the poem clear? Do any lines sounds awkward? Where can it sound more poetic?
Inspired by a line from a piece I read here on DA. If it is yours, please claim, I'm happy to give credit where credit is due.
Still working on the new style, please critique. Be cruel.
Is the meaning of the poem clear? Do any lines sounds awkward? Where can it sound more poetic?
Inspired by a line from a piece I read here on DA. If it is yours, please claim, I'm happy to give credit where credit is due.
© 2010 - 2024 kazumisangel
Comments8
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Poetry? Alright, I'll try my hand at critiquing poetry.
First off, I am a huge fan of the typography. Very clever. I really enjoy the use of simple formatting tools - letter spacing, italics, boldface - in conveying your meaning.
Now, to the poem itself.
He claims she's always been bright
But this time, he knows she's not right
I'm not sure why, but that "bright/right" rhyme seems a bit forced, and took me out of the flow of the poem right off the bat. Personally, I'd take that rhyme out of there.
Flutter by like butterflies
"Flutter by" isn't a construction that I'm particularly fond of. Especially when using it to describe the movement of butterflies. Flit by? Float by? Flutter away? I dunno. I'm not coming up with anything decent at the moment - I'll let you know if a good alternative hits me.
Overall, I like it. The bolded lines, in particular, strike me as very well written.
The meaning eluded me, until I thought about the full title, and read it over a couple times. It's about a couple who believed themselves to be in love, but then the love turned out to be infatuation, and fizzled out, right?
At any rate, you know I'm not all that great at poetry, so take this as a novice's perspective on the matter.
First off, I am a huge fan of the typography. Very clever. I really enjoy the use of simple formatting tools - letter spacing, italics, boldface - in conveying your meaning.
Now, to the poem itself.
He claims she's always been bright
But this time, he knows she's not right
I'm not sure why, but that "bright/right" rhyme seems a bit forced, and took me out of the flow of the poem right off the bat. Personally, I'd take that rhyme out of there.
Flutter by like butterflies
"Flutter by" isn't a construction that I'm particularly fond of. Especially when using it to describe the movement of butterflies. Flit by? Float by? Flutter away? I dunno. I'm not coming up with anything decent at the moment - I'll let you know if a good alternative hits me.
Overall, I like it. The bolded lines, in particular, strike me as very well written.
The meaning eluded me, until I thought about the full title, and read it over a couple times. It's about a couple who believed themselves to be in love, but then the love turned out to be infatuation, and fizzled out, right?
At any rate, you know I'm not all that great at poetry, so take this as a novice's perspective on the matter.